Monday, November 15, 2010

"did you want to give this pap smear, RF?" "err. I've never seen a pap smear."

When a man looks back on his life, images of milestone moments will come up...


Surviving the beerbongs of college


First girlfriend
First paycheque

Losing his virginity



AND.....

and, of course, giving his first pap!


Setting the scene:
Early morning and doc asks me - "RF, you saw me give one last time. You ready?".

*Digging back to memory of the process...right - KY jelly the hell outta the speculum, swippity swab, in-out, dunzos*

"Yeah, I think I'm ready."

"Alright, I'm going to be 'down there' with you to keep the patient at ease."

*The 2 of us being "down there" while whispering things like "is that it?", "don't pinch the walls", "more light!" will keep her at ease?"

"Sure sounds good."

So I'm gearing up, wondering what my first pap patient will be like. Thoughts streaming back to another blog I'd read:


"...enter the room and note the inevitable inaudible groan from the hapless female. There are a number of variations on this groan, depending on the patient’s age:
The young teenager: "Aghh!! A boy!?!?!" followed by immediately looking at the ground. In the meantime, you thank God that she doesn’t need a Pap smear.
The old teenager: "Omigod. I, like, totally can’t believe that this, like, totally random dude is going to see my vajayjay! I’ve got to text [best friend]. Wait ... he’s kind of cute."
The 20- to 30-year-old woman: "AWKWARD."
The 30- to 45-year-old woman: "Ugh, a student ... and a male student! Just my luck, he probably hasn’t even found a vagina yet."
The > 45-year-old woman: "Hahaha, oh, a young buck!""




Now my doc usually sees older patients, so I figure I'd get someone roughly in the last aforementioned category. As awkward as the situation would be, at least she'd be happy to see me. After all, I
had worn my special clinic pants that make my butt look nice.

Door opens - (cute) 25-ish y/o female. Talk about being thrown off! If YOU were in that situation (guess this only works for males), what would have been going through your head? Hopefully not what went through mine 'cause that's the stuff medical lawsuits are made of.

Anyway, I keep my cool. I get under the gown with my doc and go at it. I do my thang fairly smoothly (except for clipping the vag wall and getting smooshed in the face with a lamp smeared with KY). DONE!

I give my doc the high 5 glance and we exit the room.

"RF, that was great. But please - don't ever do that last part again."

"What last part?"

"The part where you asked 'So was it good for you?'!"