Mr. Brightside (no © infringement intended!)

A few months ago, I received a text from my cousin and former roommate asking me "what was the word you used to describe yourself?" She was making reference to the practice answers I'd given during our comedic attempts at prepping me for the med interviews.

"Malleable?" "YEAH! That's the one".

I like to think I'm a pretty darn adaptable person who goes with what life throws at him. Reading my blog from 2 weeks ago, I guess it's arguable. It seems like the institution (i.e. med) drags you along with its intrinsic ups and downs. But don't fret. With every down (i.e. 2 weeks ago), the pendulum eventually swings back up (i.e. today!). No, I'm not a victim of bi-polarism. Sometimes just being engulfed daily by incredibly bright folks 1000x more adept and quick to think than you just puts a damper on your day. I guess that's the thing with medicine - everyone's on his/her A-game at any given moment.

So what was it that suddenly flipped my POV? I'm not one to spill my man guts out, but it was definitely the support of my friends. 12 months ago, I was offered a spot at Canada's most prestigious university but I turned down the offer in favour of staying at home. I had no idea then how large an impact staying linked with my life would have on my education. I guess all the girls that tell us to "open up" aren't completely out to lunch. I admitted I was closing in on burnout to many of my friends and that realization itself took a huge burden off my shoulders (or maybe it was the venting). I can't possibly imagine how those that go abroad feel when trying to learn the nuances of metabolic pathways and pharmacological interactions sans support of buddies, sisters, and mentors. So to all my med colleagues out there - remember, you are human and it's ok to admit that you're tackling a mountain often tougher than you can handle.

Burnt

8 months into school and what a change of view I have of the medical system. It sucks. Medical school sucks.

I used to be the life of the party - lived the urban yuppie life, hit the outdoors all the time, and just lived life. Coming into school, I made a decision to keep living life. This was easy for the first couple of months. After all, they do treat us pretty nice here at my school. Then when the first batch of exams came, I thought - holy frack I'm out of here. I stuck through it in hopes of it getting easier.

3 months into my second semester now, I couldn't help but wonder why I don't have that urge to "do stuff" in life anymore. I was troughing and rarely wanted to make plans to hit a party or workout at the gym. Anyone who knows me knows this isn't me. It's like I've had the living bejesus sucked out of me. I was telling a friend about my "troughing" and finally she hit me on the head and said, "wait, you still haven't figured out the obvious reason of why you're troughing?". It took a moment and then it all hit me.

Even when I'm away from my books, medicine is on my mind. There's the ever looming thought of everything I have to do. There's the huge amounts of gunk I don't know that I should know. There are the fake people at school I have to deal with. There is the shitty doctor who I have to shadow every week to deal with. And the thing I hate most, is when I get sarcastic comments from ppl outside of medicine about "oh wow - you're going to be a doctor. whooopdy doo. good for you. make mommy proud". Maybe if they tried working 100 hour weeks only to realize you still might fail at what you're doing then they'd at least give me a break. Oh btw, mom never asked me to be doctor.

Did I love the idea of getting into medicine? Absolutely. Do I love medical school? Absolutely not. Do I miss life? More than anything. I'm going to be hopeful though and keep on trekking.