New Years Resolution!

This morning I laid in bed thinking how much I wanted to re-unite with that thing. What's it called? Oh right, "life". And when I do, it'll probably be awkward since it's been so long since we've hung out. This semester is going to be different though. I am going to make our relationship work!

The last quarter of my classroom training in pre-clerkship (i.e. before hospital wards) begins tomorrow. The routine begins again - start of semester and RF is happy-go-lucky. Things are looking rosy for him. He enters the boxing ring to fight off the contenders. Standing at the other corner - early mornings, late nights, condescending teachers, arrogant peers, super keeners, ladadadada. All good until BAM! K.O. as exams enter. Before the unavoidable K.O. though, I'm going to make this relationship with life work out. I refuse to let medicine consume my life.

"So, RF, what are you going to do?" you ask. This is where resolution edition 2011 comes in: I'm going to go out of my way to pick up "destressing hobbies" and avoid burnout (aside: according to several tests, I am at "very severe risk or burnout"). And along the way, I'm going to blog about it to make sure I stick to them. It'll be kinda like a fat camp diary - except instead of shedding the chunk, I'm shedding the stress. Feel free to throw random suggestions for stress reduction my way! I'll definitely try them if they don't involve harming little puppies.

"did you want to give this pap smear, RF?" "err. I've never seen a pap smear."

When a man looks back on his life, images of milestone moments will come up...

Surviving the beerbongs of college

First girlfriend

First paycheque

Losing his virginity

AND.....

and, of course, giving his first pap!


Setting the scene:
Early morning and doc asks me - "RF, you saw me give one last time. You ready?".

*Digging back to memory of the process...right - KY jelly the hell outta the speculum, swippity swab, in-out, dunzos*

"Yeah, I think I'm ready."

"Alright, I'm going to be 'down there' with you to keep the patient at ease."

*The 2 of us being "down there" while whispering things like "is that it?", "don't pinch the walls", "more light!" will keep her at ease?"

"Sure sounds good."

So I'm gearing up, wondering what my first pap patient will be like. Thoughts streaming back to another blog I'd read:

"...enter the room and note the inevitable inaudible groan from the hapless female. There are a number of variations on this groan, depending on the patient’s age:

The young teenager: "Aghh!! A boy!?!?!" followed by immediately looking at the ground. In the meantime, you thank God that she doesn’t need a Pap smear.

The old teenager: "Omigod. I, like, totally can’t believe that this, like, totally random dude is going to see my vajayjay! I’ve got to text [best friend]. Wait ... he’s kind of cute."

The 20- to 30-year-old woman: "AWKWARD."

The 30- to 45-year-old woman: "Ugh, a student ... and a male student! Just my luck, he probably hasn’t even found a vagina yet."

The > 45-year-old woman: "Hahaha, oh, a young buck!""

Now my doc usually sees older patients, so I figure I'd get someone roughly in the last aforementioned category. As awkward as the situation would be, at least she'd be happy to see me. After all, I had worn my special clinic pants that make my butt look nice.

Door opens - (cute) 25-ish y/o female. Talk about being thrown off! If YOU were in that situation (guess this only works for males), what would have been going through your head? Hopefully not what went through mine 'cause that's the stuff medical lawsuits are made of.

Anyway, I keep my cool. I get under the gown with my doc and go at it. I do my thang fairly smoothly (except for clipping the vag wall and getting smooshed in the face with a lamp smeared with KY). DONE!

I give my doc the high 5 glance and we exit the room.

"RF, that was great. But please - don't ever do that last part again."

"What last part?"

"The part where you asked 'So was it good for you?'!"

2nd year changes

Been a while since I've posted up here. Seems like the past summer has finally reinforced my decision to stay in medicine.

"Stay"? Yeah - I had serious doubts about medicine when this last June rolled around. It seemed like I figured my days were better spent googling "pros and cons of quitting medical school" than memorizing the pathophysiology of CHD, ASD, DVT, VSD, UTI, HIV, EBV, CMD......

This past summer was amazing though. I rocked it out traveling through India - part backpacking and part global health work. The latter bit was phenomenal. I was based in the Himalayas working with a Tibetan community. Was it the lack of iPhones, cable, internet, or electricity most evenings (and let's not forget the comfort of bathing water without worms) that opened up my eyes about medicine? Nah - let's be real, I've given up numerous comforts while sleeping in the back alleys of numerous developing nations. The serenity of having very little with me was a good way to clear my mind up though. Was it the insanely genuine locals? Possibly, but I don't think it was that either.

This may come across as borderline arrogant, but it was the realization that my skills can REALLY move and shake the lives of others. I really had to feel for myself the thrill of having the skills to figure out a kid's health problems like a detective and mustering up the little knowledge I have to help her out. Sure, diagnosing scabies and giardia ain't the most glamorous thing, but knowing that I'll eventually be able to tackle far crazier med situations is pretty damn epic.














It was in this photo here that the realization smacked me in the face. I was driving with my Canadian team while driving through the crazy zig-zagged mountain roads after delivering meds to nearby villages - amazing. Guess medicine wasn't such a bad choice after all. Corny post ends here. SCENE!

Year one classes - FINITO!

24 decks of flashcards + 6 large D-ring binders + tanks of coffee + 4 class tardiness warnings + loss of all muscle mass I once had + 1 campus parking ticket + 2 dodgeball teams + countless hangovers = end of first year.

Just ended the last of my classes for the first year of medical school. Feelings of both elation and wonder of how the frack I got through it all are spinning through my head. I guess it wasn't really that bad. I mean...sure I went from this:



to this:



and this:



to this:



BUT overall I've gotta say it was an eye opening year. I have a complete new respect for the doctors ahead of me. I've always been told that it'd be a long journey, but it's not until you see yourself turning your phone off to block off the rest of your life, stop doing groceries for 2 months, and forgetting the basic routine to keeping good hygiene that you appreciate how many sacrifices medical professionals make. Just 15 hours of exams to write and after that, I'm as free as the current situation in ummmmm - well, let's be real - I have no idea what's going on in the world politically to actually make a decent real-life analogy. At least now I understand the minute differences between toxins in fried rice and those in raw hamburgers. And if I'm ever quizzed on the appearance of a strawberry cervix, I'll also know the bits.

Summer plans are looking great though. I'm traveling to London for a week as the World Cup kicks off and then backpacking India for a month before heading to the Himalayas to do health education and health checks. It's nice to know that other than spending the rest of my natural existence in the library, I have this to look forward to this summer:



Summer plans

Option 1

There's more going on the minds of medical students than looming exams (quite evident given me writing a blog despite being severely behind in understanding the autonomics of the urinary tract), grades, research, celebrity gossip etc. There's the daunting ask of deciding what next. As in - what next after medical school?

First of all, I am not one to poo poo on the family docs. I just saw mine the other day and was amazed by his knowledge, interpersonal skills, and ability to help me out. And despite being on the "bottom of the medical food chain" he grossed over 400K last year. Not bad for a few years of residency. Anyway, so there's always that option (plus working with a wide patient population and the ability to focus on whatever interests you out w/ a GP specialty is pretty cool).

But the point of this blog. I think (though it'll probably change given my fickle nature) I am actually interested in ... brace yourself ...radiology (gasp - I know, I thought the same thing). For those of you who aren't sure what radiology is, imagine this:



Yeah an Xray doctor. Who knew it'd be so interesting? Maybe it's just because it's the only thing I know how to do properly right now (i.e. read a picture). I actually think it stems from my interest in photography. Who knew one interest would snowball into something completely different. I guess maybe there really is such thing as a job that combines all your interests.

Mr. Brightside (no © infringement intended!)

A few months ago, I received a text from my cousin and former roommate asking me "what was the word you used to describe yourself?" She was making reference to the practice answers I'd given during our comedic attempts at prepping me for the med interviews.

"Malleable?" "YEAH! That's the one".

I like to think I'm a pretty darn adaptable person who goes with what life throws at him. Reading my blog from 2 weeks ago, I guess it's arguable. It seems like the institution (i.e. med) drags you along with its intrinsic ups and downs. But don't fret. With every down (i.e. 2 weeks ago), the pendulum eventually swings back up (i.e. today!). No, I'm not a victim of bi-polarism. Sometimes just being engulfed daily by incredibly bright folks 1000x more adept and quick to think than you just puts a damper on your day. I guess that's the thing with medicine - everyone's on his/her A-game at any given moment.

So what was it that suddenly flipped my POV? I'm not one to spill my man guts out, but it was definitely the support of my friends. 12 months ago, I was offered a spot at Canada's most prestigious university but I turned down the offer in favour of staying at home. I had no idea then how large an impact staying linked with my life would have on my education. I guess all the girls that tell us to "open up" aren't completely out to lunch. I admitted I was closing in on burnout to many of my friends and that realization itself took a huge burden off my shoulders (or maybe it was the venting). I can't possibly imagine how those that go abroad feel when trying to learn the nuances of metabolic pathways and pharmacological interactions sans support of buddies, sisters, and mentors. So to all my med colleagues out there - remember, you are human and it's ok to admit that you're tackling a mountain often tougher than you can handle.

Burnt

8 months into school and what a change of view I have of the medical system. It sucks. Medical school sucks.

I used to be the life of the party - lived the urban yuppie life, hit the outdoors all the time, and just lived life. Coming into school, I made a decision to keep living life. This was easy for the first couple of months. After all, they do treat us pretty nice here at my school. Then when the first batch of exams came, I thought - holy frack I'm out of here. I stuck through it in hopes of it getting easier.

3 months into my second semester now, I couldn't help but wonder why I don't have that urge to "do stuff" in life anymore. I was troughing and rarely wanted to make plans to hit a party or workout at the gym. Anyone who knows me knows this isn't me. It's like I've had the living bejesus sucked out of me. I was telling a friend about my "troughing" and finally she hit me on the head and said, "wait, you still haven't figured out the obvious reason of why you're troughing?". It took a moment and then it all hit me.

Even when I'm away from my books, medicine is on my mind. There's the ever looming thought of everything I have to do. There's the huge amounts of gunk I don't know that I should know. There are the fake people at school I have to deal with. There is the shitty doctor who I have to shadow every week to deal with. And the thing I hate most, is when I get sarcastic comments from ppl outside of medicine about "oh wow - you're going to be a doctor. whooopdy doo. good for you. make mommy proud". Maybe if they tried working 100 hour weeks only to realize you still might fail at what you're doing then they'd at least give me a break. Oh btw, mom never asked me to be doctor.

Did I love the idea of getting into medicine? Absolutely. Do I love medical school? Absolutely not. Do I miss life? More than anything. I'm going to be hopeful though and keep on trekking.